I'm Back Bitches

Hello, my peeps!

I would say I'm sorry for my unscheduled hiatus from January until now, but I'm actually not. Life has been crazy and it is only just now gaining some semblance of order once again. In that time however, I have taken the opportunity to contemplate my goals and ideas for this blog.

I originally started this in an effort to gain clients for my freelance editing and writing. Now, I am less worried about writing specifically to gain clients and am focusing on writing the things that I value and want to share. I can't imagine I will gain much notoriety that way, but I am not out for that anymore. I want a space for people to have open discussions on the topics I write about. I can't promise that I will always write something show stopping but, I can promise that it will never fail to be interesting.

The other thing that I am not gonna do anymore is limit my word count. I understand that most people only read the headlines and highlights but I have never been a headlines and highlights kind of writer. I will try not to go on and on but just be prepared for some wordy articles.

I can also promise you that I won't be politically correct. I am not saying this because I want to write hate messages, but because I believe that in order to solve the issues currently plaguing our society we have to talk about the things we don't like or disagree with. It's how discourse happens, people. I want to give open and honest articles about the topics I choose and I want people to feel free to comment and start discussions from those articles. My one line in the sand, you need to be respectful if you plan on entering the discussion. I get to play god here and delete your asshole comments if you are simply here to spew hatred and aren't interested in open discussions.

Ok, so I have basically revised my vibe for writing and laid down some disclaimers and ground rules; so what's the topic for today?

Today's Topic Is...

Funnily enough, the topic of the day is Reevaluation. I am one of those masochistic people who like to sit around and do introspection and life reevaluations every month or so. I can't claim it is for everyone or that's it's entirely healthy, but I can say that I have gotten pretty damn good at it. For the background (that I'm not entirely sure I included in the previous article or not), I grew up in a conservative, Christian household in Southern California before moving to North Texas and promptly loosing my faith and having a drastic shift in my political views.

This happened, not as a sudden lightbulb moment, but as a long and torturous journey that left me broken, hopeless, and in tears. Now, I can happily say, that I am not hopeless most days, I am still a little broken but healing, and the tears only happen when I'm hormonal. My family played a massive role in my reevaluation of life and my friends helped me pick up the broken pieces. Of my family of 5, 4 of us have more than one neurospicy diagnosis and the last person only escaped the diagnosis by never actually getting evaluated. My older brother is autistic and adhd, my younger brother has the displeasure of having a bipolar diagnosis to go along with his own brand of autism, my mother is adhd beyond all and has a raging case of cptsd, and my father is the one and only undiagnosed one of us, mainly because he would have to admit he is a narcissist in order to get the label.

I myself have ocd and adhd or autism. At this point it's a toss up as to which one because some times I score super high for one but not the other and other times I score stupidly high for both of them. All of that shit isn't even taking into consideration the medical diagnoses my mother and I have.

Long story short; its just one way of saying, dude I have so much fucking cptsd and trauma to heal from. I lost my faith when the church just kept telling me that everything is part of god's plan and that I should just be praying more. My younger brother was going in and out of facilities and I had to learn self defense to protect my mom and older brother. It got to the point where I would get viscerally angry when the sermon at church or youth group that week was about how god is a loving god and never gives us more than we can handle. I began to loose my faith even worse as my family desperately tried to join a local Baptist church.

There, I felt anger at everyone. My younger brother was now old enough to go to the teen sermons and youth events. I began to pay attention more to his moods and behaviors than the lesson. There was exactly one person who noticed and helped me so I could be a kid when I was there. That assistant youth pastor was my savior for a time until my brother began to have melt downs in church. Eventually he no longer came to church.

Then there was the AWANA program. (I'm not willing to explain that right now, just google it my dude) I had been in the program since I was 5 years old and now as a teen in a new state and a new church I felt like I had never been a part of anything. I made no friends, and not for lack of trying. I changed everything about myself when I was around the other kids in my youth groups and still, I was alone. It was then that I began to loose my faith. By the time I was 18 and finished the program I never stepped foot in church for any reason other than that damn program. Since leaving, I have not been back to church.

Later, I started to embrace parts of myself I had previously closed the door to. I let myself learn about and become part of the bdsm community. There I met my friend, Ducky. (Not her real name but whatever) She came from a similar background in some ways and vastly different in others. She helped me come out as bisexual and learn that my conservative perspective was just one that I was spewing because of what my parents had taught me. I am still conservative in a lot of ways, but I now sit happily in the moderate range. I am still learning about my political beliefs but the exciting part is that there is a whole world of new knowledge I never would have even looked at if I hadn't have had the shit show of a life.

Ok, so I told you I was wordy. I am sorry....kinda. If you made it this far, congratulations! How do you like the therapy you are definitely in? So, I've done a lot of 'soul searching' if you want to call it that. I have learned a couple of things that I think others would benefit from hearing. I am not an expert so take everything I say with a big ol' grain of salt and keep in mind that these are still just my opinions and I have nothing other than my personal experiences to back up any of my claims or beliefs.

Pretend I'm Your Wise Ancestor and Pretend Like You're Listening

First up, I have learned that most people just aren't acquainted with themselves. We live in a world full of constant stimulation and most people don't have any real cause to sit down and be introspective. The result is a bunch of people that can't articulate what they are feeling or step back to look at why they are feeling that way. Thanks to therapy and a nice vintage of chronic illness, I have had to get very good at articulating exactly what I am feeling, both emotionally and physically.

My coworkers at my old job couldn't even tell me the kind of pain they were in. One coworker I got along with pretty decently was a 24 year old gay guy who just so happened to be anxiety ridden and a massive hypochondriac. He wasn't without reason, but I was constantly surprised that he wasn't able to articulate what was going on with him. He would tell me he wasn't feeling good to see if I could cover his closing shifts some nights. I asked him a bunch of diagnostic questions in an effort to decide if he was so ill he couldn't work at all or if he could do the last two hours, it would just be unpleasant.

Routinely, he couldn't even tell me if the pain in his stomach or head was sharp or dull. I had to describe the different types of pain to him and how to tell what it is. Some nights he had a bunch of spicy stuff for lunch and just had some bad acid. Other nights he would genuinely be ill. The pain felt different but he could never articulate it so most of his doctor appointments ended up being frustrating for both him and his doctors.

My friend Ducky is like that, but with emotions. She struggles to explain exactly what is going on that is causing her to be anxious, angry, or depressed. This is a lot trickier than just getting to know your body but I firmly believe that if you can tell what is going wrong with you physically, it gives you building blocks to learn how to distinguish your emotions.

Secondly, I have found that very few people can pause and look at things logically. Now, I am gonna sound a bit like Spock here, but just roll with me. I have found that I get a ton of benefit from stepping back and looking at the reality of the situation and then look at the emotions I am feeling. It keeps me from lashing out because I am angry and misdirecting it. It also keeps me from pulling away from my loved ones.

I have an absolutely fantastic boyfriend. He is everything I didn't know I wanted in a partner but, there are times where my anxiety gets the better of me. Thanks to my mental and physical issues I spiral down that lovely little pit into feeling like I am a burden.

It was a big issue for me at the beginning of our relationship. I didn't want to give him reason to leave so I kept a bunch of stuff to myself and that resulted in a big lack of communication. When I apologized for not being as open and explained a tiny bit of what I was dealing with, he was loving and comforting. He was also hurt though. I didn't give him the chance to even be there for me. He knew that there was limited things he could help with, but he was hurt that I would think I was a burden to him.

Now, each and every time that feeling rears it's ugly head, I pause. I look at the situation. Am I not doing certain things simply because I don't want to or because my body is not physically capable of it at this moment? Have I eaten or showered lately? Do I have other stressors in my life that are causing me to feel like a burden? All of these things help me assess if my emotions are grounded in reality or in anxiety. Most of the time, the answer is anxiety, so I can tell my boyfriend what is going on and let him know that my anxiety is being a little bitch right now.

What I have found is that most people look at their emotions first. I'm not saying this is wrong, and in fact, I don't personally believe that we have control over our emotions. We can control our actions but, the emotions are there no matter how much we don't want them to be. You can't force yourself to be happy, the same way you can't force yourself to stop feeling anger. Stepping back allows us to get perspective on the whole situation and make informed decisions from there. Only paying attention to your inner world (or not paying attention at all) is like trying to find a place on a map, but the map has no names and half the roads aren't on it. In today's world it's more akin to trying to find an address that is in a new development. The GPS does his best, but he can't tell you how to get there if he doesn't know all the streets.

So, next time, pause, evaluate both reality and your emotions, and go from there. It won't be perfect and it won't be easy but it will give you more information.

Ok, I promise I am getting to the end of this. The final thing I have learned is that people are not eager to learn or grow anymore. We have so much emphasis on growth in our world, and yet, so few people actually do. I am gonna leave out the other types of growth and just talk about the personal kind since it fits the topic.

In my experiences, I have found that when presented with new information people tend to shut down. Sure, you may love to learn about the things you already value, believe in, or are interested in; but very few of us branch out from there. I myself have noticed my own conformation bias at times. I still resist some of the staunchly liberal ideals of my friends, just because I haven't had much knowledge gained outside of the conservative perspective. I am expanding though. I can't say that I am starting to agree with everything my friends believe in, but I am learning why my values are they way they are. I am reading books written by people I definitely don't agree with and am starting to consume media that accurately articulates other peoples worldviews.

A book I picked up from the library started this informational revolution for me. It is called "The Death of Expertise" by Tom Nichols. It has been absolutely intriguing. When I started reading it I was totally on the authors side when it came to the problems our society is facing. Now, I think that he is unrealistic and a tad pessimistic. He isn't wrong in many of his assessments but his grim outlook that nothing can really be fixed, just isn't realistic. There are a million tiny changes that could improve the world, but he seems to miss them. Now, I also have not finished this book and it is due back at the library so I probably won't end up completing it. But, it has served the purpose it intended. It made me think and reevaluate how I consume knowledge and that even with all my soul searching, I haven't actually spent time reading or learning things that I am directly opposing.

The Moral of the Story

In conclusion, I think that we should all take the time to get to know ourselves, be able to step back from situations so we aren't just acting on sudden, potentially fleeting emotions or beliefs, and that we all need to learn as much as we can about opposing views. This seems like a tall order. It's not. Turn off all stimuli for 5 minutes and see what is rattling around in your head. Next time you go to the doctor, explain what is going on clearly and ask yourself questions before you go. When a sudden rush of emotions comes on, remove yourself from the situation and ask yourself specific questions to find out what made you feel that way in that moment. Pick up a book you normally wouldn't. Read an article from a news station you disagree with.

If our society really wants to focus on growth, we have to admit that growth is more than self care and disowning abusive family members. Growth is actively choosing to learn and experience things that you never have before or that you don't understand. Now fly my little pretties! And go read a fucking book.

That concludes this week's rant. Tune in next week for some random topic I feel like dumping on you.

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