Consistently Inconsistent

Ya know that feeling of spinning your wheels; that feeling that seeps through your veins when you just know you should be getting somewhere but you aren't? Well, that feeling and I are old friends. I've had cause recently to reevaluate my life and the choices I did and didn't make.

I am moving soon. Not just across town, but to a new country. It's honestly starting to scare me shitless. I've got 6 months and need to figure out some remote work to earn just enough cash to pay my bills, while my absolutely amazing partner supports us both until I can get a more regular job over there. This has left me contemplating my previous attempts at remote work and self-employment.

I have almost had an online drop shipping store, a blog, an editing business, a content creation channel, a ghost-writing business, another blog, and most recently I have gotten a certification for teaching English that I have yet to put to use. For one reason or another, nothing has come from any of these attempts except frustration, despair, and a lot of payments for nothing. I could recount all the lessons I learned from my failures, and trust me; I failed a lot. I could focus on the fact that I didn't really loose anything from none of these businesses succeeding except for some cash that really doesn't amount to much in the long run. But for today, I want to focus on what I didn't do.

I didn't follow through. Each career path I started down, each business idea I never brought to reality, each one failed because I didn't keep going. At some point in each process I found that present reality took precedence to the future reality I want to create, and at that point I stop working on my goals. I make the decision that survival now is more important than a better life in the future. And so the hamster wheel keeps spinning. I grow discontent with the current reality, I work on changing it, current reality gets in the way of changing it, so I go back to focusing on the present until I grow discontent again. All with no real outward change.

The only benefit of this hamster wheel of capitalism is that I have grown as a person through it. I have learned something new about myself and the world with each turn of the wheel. I have learned my limits and what boundaries I have and how to hold true to them. I have learned how to have compassion and I have learned when compassion is not owed. I have learned when to shut up and I have learned when to shout. It has been amazing to learn about myself. I just also would love to step off this hamster wheel from hell and get somewhere different so my current reality is less dissatisfying.

This is that. This is my moving off the wheel. I don't think I will be very consistent but I also think that is ok. A video popped up on my Facebook video vortex, as I like to call it. This woman said change doesn't come from consistency. Change is born from trying something different. Something inconsistent from what you have been doing.

I happen to like different. I love discovering or trying something new. So, I guess that's what I'm doing. Trying something new.